The dilemma – when & how to tell?

Sunday 10.30 pm, with the TV remote control in my hands, I was changing from one channel to another, to see if there was anything interesting to watch on TV. I was about to finally switch off the TV when suddenly I clicked on a channel showing a Malay drama. The drama was already halfway through and under normal circumstances, I don’t think I would have watched. But the moment the word “HIV” was mentioned, I waited to watch a little bit more, out of curiosity. Apparently the drama was about the dilemma faced by people living with HIV, and although earlier dramas on HIV that I’ve watched before had pissed me off because of the wrong impression they always give to the audience, this time I decided to stay glued to the TV – at least to see if there were any changes.

I must give credit to the production because at least they didn’t make the same old same old typical HIV characters – all looking like they were dying soon… with scary-looking skin diseases… all must die by the end of the story… etc etc. This time the drama concentrated more on the emotional aspects and all the infected people at least look normal, just like you and me – which should be the case, really. The drama showed that anybody could get infected – the obedient daughter of a Pak Imam (who got from her husband), her young innocent daughter, a doctor (I didn’t watch from the start so I’m not sure how he was supposed to get infected but something to do with an accident I think)… in other words, it is very unlike the usual dramas which show that those who get infected are those involved in immoral activities.

I was quite impressed that at least some homework were done before they produced the drama… except for the ending where they showed a doctor bringing a newborn baby to the HIV+ mother, telling her, “Anak puan bebas dari HIV.” A newborn baby? Aduh, buat homework tak habis juga rupanya. It’s too early to tell if a newborn is infected or notlah. I guess whoever did the script was not aware of such a thing called window period.

But never mind, at least the drama was much better than the typical dramas on HIV+ people that I used to watch. But I didn’t bring up this topic to criticize the drama. Nosirree!

What I want to bring up is one of the plots in the drama, where the hero, a doctor who had also been infected, was in a dilemma as to how and when to tell his wife. He ended up avoiding his wife, making his wife think that he no longer loved her, and she also started thinking that he had fallen in love with another woman. When she finally found out, she was upset – not so much because he was infected, but because he was not willing to share his problems with his wife.

This actually reminded me of the PLHIVs I personally know, and the dilemma they faced when they initially found out about their HIV infection. When to tell? How to tell? Will my husband/wife leave me when he/she finds out?

There was Mr Darling, whom at that time was still married to Lin. This couple however, were already having problems earlier because of Mr D’s promiscuous activities. When Lin found out that her hubby was infected, and tests later revealed that she too was infected, she decided that she had enough of him.

Then there was Razif, who kept postponing telling his wife, waiting for the “right time” to tell. I don’t know how and when he finally told her but it seems his wife too had been infected and they both came to last year’s family day, so that means they are still together.

And there was Asiah who was infected by her late husband. She was already planning to marry her present husband when she found out she was infected. Scared that he may leave her, she did not tell him about her HIV infection despite us advising her to do so. At that time there was no mandatory testing yet. She only told him about it a few weeks after their marriage, that too after being pestered by SN. And she did lie… telling her husband that she only knew about it after they got married. Thank goodness tests after tests showed that her husband had remained negative and at least after the husband knew, they started using condoms. But somehow things didn’t really go quite right, the condom leaked and Asiah still got pregnant and just gave birth less than 2 months ago. The last test still showed that the husband was negative, let’s just hope it will remain that way despite the condom bocor incident. (and let’s hope they will be more careful after this)

Another PLHIV, Guna, postponed telling his wife about his HIV infection because when he was first diagnosed, his wife was in the hospital for hypertension. He didn’t want her BP to go further up. Or at least that was his excuse to keep on postponing telling his wife. And the hush hush went on for months. Every time his buddy asked, he said he still couldn’t find the right time. Well, apparently the latest update was that he finally did tell his wife, and they are now in the process of separation.

Maria found out about her HIV infection during her 4th pregnancy – which was also her first pregnancy with her 2nd husband. Both husband and wife were there when the doctor informed her of her HIV infection. Initially for reasons only known to him, the 2nd husband thought Maria could have got it from him, although Maria herself had suspected that she was actually infected by her first husband, who was a hard core drug addict. Maria’s present husband then had his blood tested but when it was time to get the results, he didn’t bother to go to the hospital. Maria went alone. And when she found out that his blood tests turned out negative, Maria got scared. It was then that Maria called me, crying and crying to the extent that I found it difficult to understand what she was trying to say.

Maria was actually unsure how to tell her husband that he was not infected. She was afraid he may leave her. And when she finally told him, it was rather anti-climax. Her husband told her not to talk about it anymore and pretend as though nothing had happened. In a way, it may sound good, but Maria needed someone to talk to, and her husband was not a good listener. So Maria still turned out all stressed and depressed.

Now I would like to pose the following questions to my blog readers…

Put yourselves in the shoes of the PLHIVs mentioned above. How do you think you’d go about, trying to break the news to your spouses?

Then put yourselves in the shoes of the spouses of the above PLHIVs. How would you have reacted upon receiving the news?

This and that

Asiah was in Ipoh for her appointment at the hospital yesterday and she called me earlier asking if she could see me as she wanted to pass me the receipts for her children’s fees, workbooks, uniforms etc. Her children had been recipients of our Children Education Fund (CEF) for the past 2 years, and I’d need the receipts to be able to reimburse Asiah. I told her if she’s done at the hospital before 1pm, to come to my office area and call me once she got there.

Asiah called me at 12.30 pm. I went down, looked around and saw Asiah at the nearby mamak restaurant. Hmmm… alone? I went over, and noticed her husband was waiting in the car. It was too hot outside. After getting all the receipts from Asiah, I asked, “Baby mana?”

“Ada dalam kereta. Ha’ah ya, akak tak pernah tengok dia lagi…”

The little boy is about 1 1/2 month old now.

So we went to the car, and yep, there was this little darling… SO CUTE!! Rasa nak cubit-cubit pipinya. But since Asiah’s husband was around, segan le pulak…

-------------------------------------------------------

We (Buddies) have finally got ourselves a part-time staff at the centre now. Still nobody full time to man the centre, but at least we have made some progress by taking that small step. At least we are now paying someone to make sure all the documents are filed properly and on time and clients particulars are updated regularly. Any admin work we can easily get the part-time staff to do for us. Before this, any reports, letters or whatever paperwork whatsoever depended on the volunteers’ free time, so they had to be “pushed” to get things done. It didn’t feel so right pushing them anyway, since they were doings things on voluntary basis.

Well, the staff came in at just about the right time I must say, since we now need to start compiling our reports for the coming AGM in March. The respective coordinators will still need to write up their own reports, but at least we now have the staff to do the compiling.

Speaking of reports, I’ve done up my reports for the CEF and Sponsorship Programme. I’ve also printed the photos of our activities for last year. All that’s left for me to do now is the Chairman’s report. For that one, belum dapat ilham. Never mind, still got time.

------------------------------------------------------

I don’t have any plans for this weekend. Am done with the grocery/bicycle deliveries, and done with visiting my new client. So I think I’ll take a break this weekend and just stay home. Maybe (maybe only lah, kalau rajin) I will just call a few of my other clients whom I have not contacted for some time. I’ve told our part-time staff that she may need to call our volunteers to check on the latest status of our PLHIV clients, so I’d better start getting the updates of my own clients first. Quite a few of them have moved to a new house, or got themselves a new number. If these info are not updated into their files, and someone else has to take over my cases suddenly (mana tau, nak mati bukan boleh tau awal-awal…), it would be quite a problem, wouldn’t it?

So yes Pi, you’d better start updating your clients’ particulars soon!

Visiting the unwed mother

Having settled the deliveries of groceries and bicycle to the respective families, I felt it was time for me to check on Azimah, the unwed mother whom I met during my clinic duty 2 weeks ago.

Yesterday I called her to set a date. I asked if I could see her this afternoon.

“Nak jumpa saya untuk apa tu kak?” Azimah sounded apprehensive at first.

I told her I wanted to help her apply for child support assistance and I needed some supporting documents from her. In addition, I’d need to get her to sign the form. Besides, SN had told me that Azimah’s hospital appointments had been transferred to a hospital nearer to her place and so I can’t expect to see her in Ipoh for her hospital appointments.

Remembering that she was quite reluctant to have us visiting her at home, I told her to fix the place to meet. I also told her to get the supporting documents photocopied. Azimah then asked if I could SMS the list of required documents. As for the place to meet, she said she’d SMS me once she could think of a suitable place.

And so I sent her a text message, listing the documents needed. And I waited for her SMS… which never came. I thought she may SMS me this morning, but at noon, no SMS came in from her, so I decided to text her instead, asking if the meet this afternoon was on. I didn’t want to be going all the way to the town where she’s staying, and end up not meeting her. It would be a waste of time, energy and money.

At 1 pm, when I left my office to head for home, Azimah had yet to reply my SMS. I was beginning to think that she was reluctant to meet me. She was after all a bit apprehensive when I called her earlier – so maybe, just maybe, she has decided to just buat donno…

But after I had my lunch at home, my phone rang, with the PLHIV-assigned ringtone. It was Azimah, calling using her mother’s number (I save both hers and her mother’s number in my phone). She ran out of credit for her own number, which was why she didn’t send me any messages earlier.

Azimah asked where I was and what time I’d be coming. I told her I was still in Ipoh and I should be able to be at the town she’s staying around 3 pm. She then asked me where to meet. Aik? I thought she said she’d think of a suitable place…

Finally we decided to meet up at a popular spot in that town, and I promised to call her once I reach the toll exit.

Actually, despite the place being quite a popular spot, I’m not really that familiar with the town. So yep, set my GPS I did, and off I went.

As promised, I called her right after exiting the toll near her town. I figured if she left her house then, we should be able to reach the place at about the same time. She asked if I came alone (aiyo, I sudah mau sampai baru mau tanya ka?) and told me she’d come with another person. I was hoping that other person would be her mother.

I reached the place first and called Azimah again. It wasn’t long before she got there. The other person accompanying her looked too young to be her mother. It was her sister. So no, I didn’t get to meet her mother. Never mind, next time maybe…

But Azimah had not photostated the required documents yet! She had not expected me to be punctual (sorry, I don’t follow janji Melayu, I follow janji Islam) and so she thought there was ample time to go to the shop before meeting up with me, but when I called saying I was already there, she didn’t want me to be waiting too long, so she came to see me first.

I just got her to sign the form first, then we headed to the nearest stationery shop to photostat the required documents.

Anyway, I was happy to note that Azimah seemed very stable, emotionally - just like Sharifah, the other unwed mother with family support. The difference between Azimah and Sharifah is that while Sharifah’s little girl temporarily stays at a shelter home, Azimah is taking care of her baby at her family’s home. In Sharifah’s case, neighbours & relatives are not aware that she had given birth to a little baby. In Azimah’s case, it was obvious there’s a baby at home, and even if nobody asked, there were bound to be some who would have come up with their own conclusions. So, the pressure is more on Azimah.

But the sister who came along seemed to get along very well with Azimah. And I know for a fact that her mother usually accompanies Azimah to the hospital. So no question about them being ashamed of her. There is however, a particular sister-in-law, who kept on hinting that Azimah should stay at a shelter home to avoid embarrassment to the family. But since that SIL stays in a different house, Azimah wasn’t really pressured to do so. She did however, ask me if she should. I told her that if her family is willing to accept her at home, don’t bother. Unless of course, she wants to go herself.

I was rather surprised to find out a total of 10 occupants stay in their house. Azimah, her mother, her 2 1/2 month old daughter, her 2 sisters, her brother, her sis-in-law (a different SIL, not the one mentioned earlier) and her 3 nieces/nephews. And the income earner? Her brother who sells vegetables at the market, with the rest helping out whenever possible.

Wow! Not easy to feed 10 mouths in the same house, especially with a baby as well. Milk and diapers are not cheap. Azimah used to work before, but she quit when her pregnancy began to show. She intends to find a job again once her baby is a bit older, but for the moment, I know it’s tough for them. My main concern is the baby’s needs, at least for the next few months until Azimah can get herself a job. Hopefully, I can arrange for something soon…

Oh, I did bring along milk and diapers with me today, so at least this month’s supply for Azimah’s baby girl is covered.

The bicycle

Not wanting to go through the trouble of taking the bicycle out of my car and having to load it back in again to deliver it, and not wanting to keep the bicycle in my car for too long, I decided to deliver the bicycle yesterday morning to Rosnah’s daughter.

Right after my routine kampong exercise, I headed straight to Rosnah’s house, about 20 minutes via highway. Her house is very near the highway exit. Good thing the guy from the bicycle shop had loaded the bicycle into my car in such a secure position, despite me driving at 110 km/h, the bike didn’t move a bit, even when I stepped on the brakes.

When I reached Rosnah’s house, both mother and daughter were already waiting for me. They were ready to go to the market but when I told them I was coming (I sent Rosnah a text message right before making a move from my house), they decided to wait.

Despite knowing I was bringing along a bicycle for the daughter’s schooling needs, both Rosnah and daughter looked pleasantly surprised when they saw the bicycle. I think Rosnah had probably expected to see a second hand bicycle or an “orang tua” looking kinda bike.

“Berapa ni kak?” she asked, thinking it was a rather expensive bike.

“Satu”, I said selamba-ly. Yeah, I knew what she meant, but a loyar buruk is a loyar buruk… that’s who I am… so get used to it!

I never did tell her the actual price. Let her think it’s expensive.

During the last board meeting, one of our members suggested that we buy a second-hand bicycle… he said he should be able to get one for RM150. But I figured, why buy a second hand bike for that price when I could get a brand new one for just an additional RM20? Yep, I bought the bicycle for RM170.

Had I left it up to the respective families to buy the bicycles on their own and claim the amount later either from our CEF or Sponsorship fund, they’d probably buy at a more expensive shop near their place. Fuzi recently bought a bicycle for her daughter and she paid RM260 for it!

RM90 difference but didn’t look any more expensive than the one I bought for Rosnah’s daughter. Rosnah’s daughter loved it, saying “Terima kasih makcik” repeatedly.

In fact, mother and daughter were so happy they both kissed my hands! Thank goodness I didn’t eat any sambal tempoyak earlier, otherwise cium tangan sure ada bau!!

And despite already thanking me when I delivered the bike, when I got home, a text message came in from Rosnah, to thank me yet again. That’s how appreciative some people can be, compared to some others who tend to take for granted that we are there to help them whereas all the bicycles and educational help are just part of our “extra” services.

Ah well, it takes all kinds to make this world! So live with it!

On to my next mission. Nope, no deliveries until the end of February (I think!). I need to visit Azimah, the unwed mother I met during my last clinic duty. There wasn’t enough privacy at the hospital room, so I wasn’t able to dig much from Azimah then. She prefers to meet outside, so I don’t think I’d be visiting her at home. Within these next few days I’d better call to fix a “date” with her… and since this will be my first visit, I won’t be inviting any trainees to tag along. The +ve ladies I’m assigned to usually don’t talk much when I bring somebody else along. At least not during the first visit.

So I’ll be going… alone again… naturally…

More visits, more deliveries

As mentioned in my previous posting, I intended to deliver groceries to Sofie's family today. So right after my pasar tani routine this morning, and after cooking lunch for my mother, off I went to the minimarket which had been selected by the charity club to supply groceries worth RM300 a month per family to 2 of the poor families I'm dealing with.

Earlier this week when I went to get the groceries for Lin, I went on a weekday, so I took all the stuff in the afternoon and delivered them straight away. I had told the minimarket owner that I'd be coming again on Saturday to collect the stuff for the other family, but apparently they thought I'd be coming in the afternoon, so when I got there about 10 am, the stuff weren't ready yet. Well, I didn't tell them exactly what time I was coming, but I did ask what time they open in the morning on Saturdays, so I can't say they were totally clueless. But never mind, not one who likes to make a fuss of such things, I told them I'd wait for them to get the things ready.

The things were ready within half an hour, after which off I headed to Sofie's house, avoiding every road possibly affected by the Thaipusam procession.

Ika and Saiful were playing outside their house when I got there.

"Dah mandi belum?" I asked.

"Belum", said Ika, smiling. It was about 11.30 am by then.

Sofie was inside, grumbling while tidying up the mess her children made. When she was bed-ridden, all 4 children were very helpful in keeping the house neat and tidy. Now the good news is Sofie does seem to be better (ie can clean up, can cook etc but still tires easily) but the bad news is, the children seem to be getting lazier now that they have their mother taking care of their needs.

Well, Along & Angah were not home, so I couldn't give them a piece of my mind, but I took the opportunity to remind Ika and Saiful not to take things for granted.

Sofie admitted that it was probably her fault. When her ex-hubby was still staying with them, she took care of every single need without training the kids to help out with at least some of the house chores. Then when her husband left, and she got bed-ridden, the children somehow, due to their concern for their mother's well being, took the effort to help out with the household chores. But now that they see their mother getting a bit better, they're taking for granted that it would be just like old times.

I can understand they just want to be kids, but they must also understand that their mother is not fully recovered. Heck, even some well to do families with healthy parents train their children to do at least some of the household chores! Cannotlah manja lebih-lebih!

Anyway, after visiting Sofie's family, I headed to Wani's house, which is in the same town, but further in. Wani had sent me a text message earlier to tell that she had paid for her children's school fees etc, and that she'd send me the receipts the next time she comes to Ipoh. Since I was already in town, I figured I might as well get the receipts from her to enable me to reimburse her as both her children are under our Sponsorship program. I sent her a text message earlier informing her that I might be coming today but when I got to her house, I found out that she had lost her handphone and did not get my message. The receipts are still with the children's teachers. So I told Wani to post the receipts to Buddies centre when she gets them.

Wani's eldest boy has hearing problems (he now uses hearing aid), and goes to a special class in his school. The fees for students of this special class are higher than that of other students.

After Wani's house, I headed back to Ipoh, but not straight home. Remember in my previous posting I said I'd buy a bicycle for Rosnah's daughter on Thursday, leave it at our centre and get it back on Sunday to be delivered to Rosnah? Well, I did go to the bicycle shop on Thursday, but since the shop owner said they do open on Thaipusam, I figured rather than having to get the bicycle out of my car, leave it at the centre, and putting it back in on Sunday, I might as well get the bicycle from the shop today so I don't have to get it out of the car until I reach Rosnah's house.

So yep, I just paid a small deposit and told the taukeh I'd come to get the bicycle on Saturday ie today. And so, after coming back from today's house visits, I straight away headed to the bicycle shop and had the guy putting the bicycle into my car. All I have to do is to get the bicycle out of my car just once - when I get to Rosnah's house tomorrow morning.

On my way to the shop, I saw a Perdana, also carrying a bicycle, but with one of the tyres sticking out of the boot, and the boot having to be tied with a rope to keep the cover down.

Right now this is what the inside of my Kenari looks like...

Hah! Kecik-kecik Kenari aku pun, sekurang-kurangnya sekadar nak angkut basikal, masih boleh tutup & kunci semua pintu! (tapi kalau ada extra passenger nak menumpang, dok lah mencangkung sebelah basikal tu...)